-Me, Chelle-

MOVING BLOG

2005-05-28T02:25:00.000-07:00

hmmmm guys I've now moved blogs to MSN Spaces. Huge number of factors prompted this, some of which are:

1. I can choose who can/cannot get into my blog, and thus I can write more freely...
2. Blogspot is blocked on some servers... sucks. ARGH!!!!
3. MSN Spaces is hell easy to use.
4. It's WAY more convenient than Blogspot!!!!

Ok see youse on my new blog!!!!!

GO http://spaces.msn.com/members/chellespace473>[HERE]

I'm sorry, but I'm just delusional.

2005-05-21T15:00:00.000-07:00

So there! After a complaint or two (or three), i've decided to blog again. But don't expect much after this guys, I really need to study for the exams! It's mad, the way the dump everything on us in the last three weeks of term- the exact same period where we realise we're seriously screwed and need to start/finish catching up on everything else. Like FAHB. And FCB. And FMC. Especially especially FMC. I'm so gonna walk in the exam hall knowing absolutely nothing. Quickie is useless. Oh and not to forget my English elective... *shoots self* STRESSED!!!

OKOK, take deep breaths... just need to freakin pass... ...

Been playing guitar lots lately. It's so calming... when I go back to singapore I need to get a decent acoustic. I think I'm ok at guitar, I can strum pretty that's all. I enjoy playing again, and I reckon that's all that matters. Should see Edmond play! He's so pro! All of us are hooked on the song Love is All Around, we keep humming it in class, reciting lyrics when bored, etc etc. Blame it on Gordo and Ed, they started it! lol

Michael come to my room a couple of days ago and we just sat around talking, which I enjoyed very much. it's really funny actually, if we talk for long enough or it's late enough, our conversation always degenerates to just one topic- sex. Then after half an hour or more, we pull out of it.Oh well. He's like one of the only close white friends I have, and I truly believe he's like the only white guy in Med that I currently see as a good friend. Seems like all my friends are asian!

I want to eat tiramisu...

What I Could or Couldn't Be...

2005-05-14T15:45:00.000-07:00

I could be... ...

Cynically a woman of the world. I could be hard-bitten and hard-biting. I could be a party animal. I could be a brilliant genius. A rock, an island. A perfect angel. I could be independent. I could be spiritually and emotionally strong.

But in reality I am:

An intellectually and educationally struggling medical student who knows that she's not all there is. A girl who depends a lot on what people think of her, who values acceptance and approval from those that matter. Who recently fell flat on her face in her spiritual walk and who is currently in the difficult process of picking bits of herself off the floor. She's currently emotionally fluctuating- but the one thing she's sure of is that she wants guys romantically out of her life. She's already been hurt more than once, and one would think that she'd have learnt her lesson. She's waiting and watching, waiting for someone decent to turn up. She feels like a hypocrite, and sometimes she just wants to be herself-unfortunately there aren't many people she can be genuine with.

If I could change myself, I would. But I cannot and I wouldn't let myself.

sleepy

2005-05-13T12:00:00.000-07:00

In the GAT blogging. Supposed to be doing Rural Week stuff, but really can't be bothered. I'm still half-asleep, according to Anthony I had too much sleep and thus I haven't woken up yet. So I'm doing a hell lot of stupid things today.

So forgive me if I stuff up.

going crazy

2005-05-12T03:15:00.000-07:00

Your Icecream Flavour is...Neopolitan!

You aren't satisfied with just one flavor. They say variety is the spice of life and this shines through in your Ice cream of choice! Just don't eat all the chocolate and leave the strawberry and vanilla behind!

What is your Icecream Flavour?
Find out at Go Quiz

I am too random!!!!

To make a Me::

2005-05-12T03:00:00.000-07:00

How to make a Michelle

Ingredients:
1 part competetiveness
1 part crazyiness
5 parts empathy

Method:
Combine in a tall glass half filled with crushed ice. Add a little fitness if desired!

Username:http://www.go-quiz.com/cocktail/cocktail.php">Username:%20name="uname">

How fascinating.

Anyway, I'm feeling like a nun. My best buddies are all finding love/getting together. Except me. I'm actually enjoying being on the outside looking in, being the go-between, being the friend to sit around, give a different perspective and listen. ANd besides- I really want to prove Gordon wrong. That guy is SO cynical! *lol* 2.5 months, dude! You're on!! Actually Clare raised a really interesting point the other day on how I could bypass the clauses and still win the bet. But it has 2 problems:
1. It seems kind of...well... wrong.
2. He's not into Asian chicks anyway.

But it was interesting to speculate.

Jared's promised me that he's gonna work me to death next year cos I GET TO START CLINICAL!!!!!!!!!!!! He's got to be one of the nicest, coolest guys I know on this planet. He's taking me on when he's an intern- I get to go on ward rounds with him, do IVs, see/do everything first hand... OMG~ it's so going to absolutely rock! And he's thinking Charlie's at the moment, which makes it all the better for me.

Exams coming up in 4 weeks. SO if you catch yourself wondering where's Chelle gone- it prolly means she's shaking in her boots studying. 'Nuff said.

Want acoustic guitar!!!!!!!!!! *hoping*

Hm...all sorting out.

2005-05-09T19:45:00.000-07:00

Spent all last night in Gordon's room playing his guitar and searching for tabs on the net. One day he's gonna teach me how to read tabs and I'll teach him how to strum fancy! Actually, I haven't had this much fun in a while- good clean fun in fact. Just bumming around having philosopical discussions and figuring out how to play Time of Your Life and Boulevard of Broken Dreams. I have a bet going on with him that I"m going to last a minimum of 2.5 months off guys. He thinks I can't do it. I think I can! We shall meet up when I come back from Singapore and he comes back from NZ. The stakes are 5 seasons of SCRUBS. Ooooooh yeah!

I wonder if I can con anyone into buying me a really good acoustic guitar... ...

Having fun but exams in 4 weeks. Have already been studying shitloads but don't seem to be getting anywhere. *PANIC*

--------later----------

Lots of people have been telling me today that I seem to have suddenly grown up over Rural Week. That I seem to be about 2 years older than I was a week ago. It can't just be some people being strange cos it's like a general consensus...

I dunno. I reckon I have changed after Rural Week. All that identity crisis and philosophical discussion thingies have had an effect on me. I look at things slightly differently now... and I'm finally being smart and following Michael's First Rule For Surviving Uni: "DON'T BE A DICKHEAD. If it hurts, DON'T DO IT AGAIN!". Yes Michael. Will take note of that.

Had a slightly strange conversation with Anthony today:

A: You seem older all of a sudden (etc etc... follow train of previous thought).
M: Issit? *whatever*

Later...

A: Wow. *looks around* Your room looks... wrong.
M: Why?
A: I dunno... I expected more posters. More crap on the walls. *image of walls completely smothered with posters* It seemed to fit your personality.
M: I think you're having quite a couple of your impressions of me overturned today, hey?
A: Yeah.

Just as a sidenote, I did a handwriting analysis with Gordon- and I find it pretty accurate as to what I am able to see of myself subjectively... just thought I'd also share it with everyone else... ...

M has a healthy imagination and lets new people into her circle of friends. She uses her imagination to understand new ideas, things, and people.

M has difficulty trusting anyone. In fact, she trusts no one completely. This is a result of her trust being betrayed in the past. She has closed up, thus ceasing to allow close friendships. M truly wants close friends and desires physical relationships, but she fears she will get hurt, again. She is lonely, yet has a crying need for close friends. This trait can cause much unhappiness. However, it can be changed.

M is sarcastic. This is a defense mechanism designed to protect her ego when she feels hurt. She pokes people harder than she gets poked. These sarcastic remarks can be very funny. They can also be harsh, bitter, and caustic at the same time.

M is a practical person whose goals are planned, practical, and down to earth. This is typical of people with normal healthy self-esteem. She needs to visualize the end of a project before she starts. she finds joy in anticipation and planning. Notice that I said she plans everything she is going to do, that doesn't necessarily mean things go as planned. M basically feels good about herself. She has a positive self-esteem which contributes to her success. She feels she has the ability to achieve anything she sets her mind to. However, she sets her goals using practicality-- not too "out of reach". She has enough self-confidence to leave a bad situation, yet, she will not take great risks, as they relate to her goals. A good esteem is one key to a happy life. Although there is room for improvement in the confidence catagery, her self-perception is better than average.

Because M has sharp needle pointed 'm' and 'n' humps, she has a very sharp mind. She instantly sizes up situations, making instant decisions. She thinks and evaluates circumstances very rapidly. Many people with this type of mind are geniuses, thus she may be seen as highly intelligent. M is often irritated by slow talkers or slow thinkers. If she drives, she gets irritated by slow drivers in the fast lane. She quickly becomes bored when being taught on the level of the slowest student in class. She may be on problem number three when the rest of the class is on problem one. M is curious and very active. In fact, in school she might have been a trouble maker because she thought so much faster than the other kids, she finished her work first, thus having plenty of time on her hands to make trouble!

Diplomacy is one of M's best attributes. She has the ability to say what others want to hear. She can have tact with others. She has the ability to state things in such a way as to not offend someone else. M can disagree without being disagreeable.

M is talkative. She enjoys talking and socializing. She may talk when there is absolutely nothing important to say. She enjoys speaking.

M is sensitive to criticism about her ideas and philosophies. She will sometimes worry what people will think if she tells them what she believes in. This doesn't mean she won't talk, or that she feels ashamed. It merely means she is sensitive to what others think, regarding her beliefs.

M is moderately outgoing. Her emotions are stirred by sympathy and heart rendering stories. In fact, she can be kind, friendly, affectionate and considerate of others. She has the ability to put herself into the other person's shoes. M will be somewhat moody, with highs and lows. Sometimes she will be happy, the next day she might be sad. She has the unique ability to get along equally well with what psychology calls introverts and extroverts. This is because she is in between. Psychology calls M an ambivert. She understands the needs of both types. Although they get along, she will not tolerate anyone that is too "far out." She doesn't sway too far one way or the other. When convincing her to buy a product or an idea, a heart rendering story could mean a great deal to her. She puts herself in the same situation as the person in the story, yet she will not buy anything that seems overly impractical or illogical. M is an expressive person. She outwardly shows her emotions. She may even show traces of tears when hearing a sad story. M is a "middle-of-the-roader," politically as well as logically. She weighs both sides of an issue, sits on the fence, and then will decide when she finally has to. She basically doesn't relate to any far out ideas and usually won't go to the extreme on any issue.

People that write their letters in an average height and average size are moderate in their ability to interact socially. According to the data input, M doesn't write too large or too small, indicating a balanced ability to be social and interact with others.

FINALLY

2005-05-06T00:15:00.000-07:00

FINALLY.

Finally finally finally finally. God you took forever!

Finally there.

To all you out there that have reassured me:
Thanks for all you've done. Thanks for telling me I'll be alright, that I can get it all back together again. I've been to both extremes today, and it ended with a climax. I'm happy. Again.

I wonder how you guys put up with me... every time I go through my blog I see myself as a moody, changable person. Which I believe that I am not! But what I believe and what people perceive me as are 2 completely different things. It's like not knowing what your own voice actually sounds like.

To all my friends:

Tam>> What could I do without you? I'd have no one to tell absolutely everything to. I'd have no one the laugh at/with, to discuss my exploits with, to review my life with, to tell me when I'm compromising and being compromised. No one to tell me to take a step back and look again, to calm down and look again. Who taught me that real friends are worth more than popularity.

Karen>> You've been with me since we've been babies, and no matter how much/little we communicate, there's an unspoken bond between us. We'll always be able to take up where we left off!

Clare>> The chick who's as crazy and immature as I can be, only worse. Who is always willing to listen to my problems, and who trusts me in return. who I live 3 rooms away from and puts up with my constant bursting into her room and talking. Who doesn't scream when I end up waking her up at 3.30am in the morning. Thanks for being my friend and standing by me when times have been bad.

FLick>> For offering a naive view on everything! For being willing to rearrage whatever i'm thinking so it makes sense.

Tiff>> crazy and always smiling. Entertaining! *LOL* "Nuff said.

Michael>> Thanks for listening and talking 3 nights straight in a row till 4 am. For taking care of me when I was somewhat otherwise occupied. For sharing experiences and telling me not to be a dickhead. For sharing my (as he calls it) "teenage angst".

Jace>> Sorry that I get pissed off at you so often. I get scared easily and I guess I have my own issues learning to trust. I remember all I've promised and I'll help you in figuring what you're gonna do next. Trust me in return and talk to me, and I'll be happy enough! *LOL*

Gordon>> for spilling the beans are providing a great atmos[here for me to thrive in. Again thanks for listening and taking, for offering me guy perspectives and helping me make decisions and resolutions.

^_^

pressure/impulse/regret

2005-05-05T22:30:00.000-07:00

This is the story of my life. Ready? Don't worry, it's really short. I'll make it shorter. Ok here goes:

*PRESSURE*

*IMPULSE*

*REGRET*

I suck. My life is so screwed. What was I thinking last night? So much for sticking to my morals. In fact after the first couple of months, my moral standing has hit rock bottom. Maybe I should start pulling up my socks. Start living a more decent life.

To all those out there who think I'm bascially a good girl, guess what? You're wrong. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I've gone wild and done the stupidest things. If you'd have known half the things I've done you'll have outcast me a long time ago. I don't deserve the friendship that I have with you guys. I should be a social outcast, shunned my all those afraid of "bad influences".

Will anyone save me? Does anyone care?

Fuck Jace knows more than anyone else. HOW? Will he keep it to himself or use it against me? Will he believe me at all or listen to my crap and other peoples' crap? To random rumours?

I shall now simply sit back... and watch my world crumble around me.

absolute madness

2005-04-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

Do you know what time I went to sleep last night (or should I say this morning)? 6am. Do you know what time I had to get up?? 8am to catch the 9am bus to get to church. Now I'm still so hyper and awake, and I'm pulling another all-nighter tonight (this time planned). I am SO GONNA DIEEEEEEEEE....but as always I will survive.

Long story. Shall I tell? Ok. The abridged version.

Playing baddie yesterday- been playing so much of it lately, I think I want to take it up seriously now. After much *chasing* Gordon turned up to open the courts for us. AND THEN another maybe 20 people turned up. We only arranged for 6 people to come play, the rest of them spontaneously invited themselves, I swear! Yeah only the last bit where it was mixed doubles- Joe and I with FLick and Anthony- was worth playing anything for, the rest of the session was just sucky. Everyone was pro, and all FLick and I wanted to do was practice to learn! I like playing doubles with Joe, he's cool and doesn't hold my mistakes against me. Patience and long-suffering will go far with me! Sorry lah, no motor skills... *lol* Anyway at the end I rushed a lift to bible study at Vict Park, came back 9+ ish? Then needed to return racket to Gordon at Trinity, but he was busy, so crashed at Flick's room until Gordon finally pranked me back, somewhen after midnight. So then crashed at Trinity in Gordon's room talking and watching people play DOTA until 3am. After which I simply sat on Gordo's bed chatting about anime and manga... and he loves FOR and Love Hina as much as I do!!!! We were like going through all the titles that we knew >_<" he knows so much more than me! But yes in the end he went to sleep and I crashed Howard's until we realised it was 5.45 am.

Ar.

RURAL WEEK!!1!!!! will not be online for some time.

Not much to blog about...

2005-04-28T17:20:00.000-07:00

Well but then again. Clare's gone to Singapore... and all of us were trying to figure out a way of making her miss her flight. Anthony was like- "I could drop a brick on you and knock you out... and then you won't be able to get a second flight in time...so!". Truth is none of us want to lose her. Good friends are hard to find. If she gets NUS she has to go- ARGH. Oh well. Que sera sera, whatever will be will be. I shouldn't interfere with God's plans for peoples' lives. It's just that.. argh.

Sometimes college life is so annoying- like when people crash your room at night. Gordon crashed at Clare's last night and stayed till 2am, I still think she's lucky. Howard crashed my room the other night at about 3am and stayed till 5 am. I had to wake up at 11, he only had to wake up at 2pm! He was pissed last night (or not? Who's lying to me, who's telling the truth? Who's biased?), which explains why Gordon was at Kats. You know, I used to think that the all the decent guys were in Dent, and we Med girls used to bitch about it so much. But my estimation of them has just hit rock bottom now...there's only a handful left that I would classify as decent. But those that fall into this category are REALLY decent, cool guys. In Med however, we have Anthony, Ed, Yang, Evan, Joe, Sam, Dave, Luke, Dan x2, etc etc etc. There are lots of crap all people as well, obviously, but I shall just simply choose to ignore them all. I shall stick with my little group of Clare, Tiff, Flick, Phoeb, etc etc.

I'm managing my time better now, don't feel as snowed under as before! However I've neglected to mention that I have a English essay worth 30% due soon... TOO SOON. I've only got 3 weeks to finish it and one week of that is Rural Week. NO TIME!!!!! I want to do fairly well on this so that if i flunk out of the exam it matters not. I just need to freakin pass. That's what I've gone down to. I JUST WANT TO PASS EVERYTHING. No need for HDs or anything fancy like that. I'll be happy if I see "PASS" on everything when I get my results back.

I tried sleeping earlier and waking up earlier to study this morning. It actually works- but my major problem is actually physically GETTING UP AND OUT OF BED. And since that's step one, working that way might be quite a major problem.

I might saty up late enough to watch the sunrise this morning... On the other hand no wait. i have to play badminton tomorrow. So need sleep. And have lab quiz tomorrow morning. ARGH. Bad.

Revising Resolutions

2005-04-25T13:37:00.000-07:00

Haaa... ... Haven't been doing much work at all this long weekend! Well sorta. Saturday night did work, all Sunday was studying at Meddent library, then *stoned* all Sunday night, only started prep for my English tute sometime after midnight-at which point I got interrupted. And then today woke up late, now doing English tute. Which I must finish my 3pm cos I've got to go to a party!!!!!!!! Me bad.

Spent all last night chatting on MSN to Gordon- if he can't finish his work by today it's all my fault!!!! But hey, it's good talking to him, as always. He gives me a new perspective on life everytime I talk to him. And Tam and I bitched about the ruts we are stuck in. Or at least I bitched about the rut I'm stuck in, she isn't really stuck in a rut! She's one lucky girl. I on the other hand, am seriously considering becoming lesbian. *lol* ok ok fine just joking. But as I said, I'm swearing off guys romantically. Gordon's given me 2.5 months at the very most for this resolution to run the duration of its course. I'm hoping that I'll last something like at least a year and a half. Maybe we should comprimise and go 9 months. I've gone anti-boyfriend before and it worked, after all! Seriously though- I haven't got the freakin time. Haven't found someone that suits me (note: i'm not trying to find the perfect guy here. Just the right one). I'm learning how not to care... Minghan told me to watch and wait till he turns up- although that sounds like a soapie (i.e. something that never ever happens in real life). And anyway romantic notions ruin friendships and messes up my life. When will I ever learn? It's like one big game of Russian roulette- if you win, you win big. If you lose...well... ...

HAH. Too bad. You're just screwed up big time then, aren't you?

I'm idealistic. I should learn to be realistic. Cynical. At least that way I won't get hurt.

I'm setting off with new resolve again. This time I will prevail!!!

questioning why

2005-04-24T03:00:00.000-07:00

I shall take the advice that Anthony gave Clare. STUFF ALL. Fair weather friends aren't worth having. I know their priorities. I'm not one of them. Their being nice/helpful/friendly is just a bonus. I have other friends that care.

It just hurts to be ignored sometimes. To be Actively Ignored.

TIMES- and time again

2005-04-22T22:30:00.000-07:00

There are times when I wish I wasn't in med. When I wish the course wasn't so full on. When I wish that I had time to pursue typical teenage experiences. When I wish that I didn't have to sacrifice so much. When I wish I could be like other uni kids- working, going out, beach bumming, having relationships and making them work. When I wish that I wasn't spending all my nights freakin studying.

Med is such a fulfilling course. You just have to sacrifice so much to go about it. But is it worth it? I want to have the best of 2 worlds. How do I go about getting there?

I know what I want to be in the end. I'm making myself believe that it's worth giving up so much for. I have a goal.

Now I must strive.

Thanks to all of my great friends for your support- Flick, Clare, Tam, Luke, Tiff, the Trinity guys... You guys make my world. Where would I be without you all?????

--> do I want you or not? I can't make up my mind. Neither can you. Will you sacrifice so much? I think not. You know what comes first in the list of priorities. I'm willing to wait. Are you? I can't read your signals. I don't understand. What did you want to say? I'm so confused...

taking everything back...

2005-04-22T22:13:00.000-07:00

I hereby take everything back. Good guys exist. I shall not go lesbian. I might even revoke the anti-boyfriend stance (but it will take lots of doing for that to happen).

I need to apologise to all the people I've spoken ill of/dissed in this blog. My bad, guys. I should look at myself first before pointing fingers at everyone else. I should be less clingy, do more listening and less talking, don't think so highly of myself, etcetra. I'm not perfect, so I must accept that not everyone is perfect. I should not let the fact that I've had a shitty day be an excuse to snap at everyone. These little idiosyncracies are what makes character- and that's why I love you all, truly.

Forgive me.

To brighter things- Tiff's birthday is coming!!!!!!!!!!!! *funfun* Although the dear girl is still disorganised!!!! Still hasn't decided whether to invite *him* or not, and the party's in 2 days. Oh well. I stand justified.

I love you all.

SOB

2005-04-21T22:25:00.000-07:00

If that freakin SOB doesn't leave me alone, I'm so gonna blow. And that's all I have to say on the topic. I'm swearing off guys romantically. Thanks for listening Tam. i'm happy for you.

Gordon's not talking to Clare and thus not to me by association. I find that sorta sad. Thing about Clare, I really love her, she's one of my closest friends, but as she says, sometimes her mouth isn't connected to her brain. It makes for lots of entertainment, but sometimes-like now- it backfires. Hope they make up, they're such good friends. But as they say I suppose that into every friendship a little rain must fall...that's how you grow.

So glad she can make it to Tiff's party!!!!!!!!! She so almost couldn't, I was so disappointed, but she can in the end so it's all ok. She is SO not going to NUS I hope. I'll miss her!! We all will. Things won't be the same.

We were all talking about wonder last night. "The world doesn't suffer from a lack of wonders but a lack of wonder." I somehow feel that I'm living my parents' dreams for them. You know how when you're a little kid, you say I'm going to do this and that, I'm going to be president, I'll discover something...? And then you grow up. And then you become jaded. I can see it happening to my parents, to so many people. People lose sight of their dreams, they lose their sense of wonder. I'm promising myself that I'm never gonna go that way. I'm signing the NBO pact. I'm going to dream and act on my dreams. I want to travel, I want to work in an orphanage in Africa, I want to go on Doctors Without Borders. I want to backpack across Europe, I want to work in emergency, I want to race to save lives in war zones, I want to feel the adrenaline rush of working in the Chicago hospitals. I want to motorbike across New Zealand, I want to live in Japan (for a little while). I want to see New York, London.

I want to be indpendent, decisive, strong to follow my dreams.

I want to make a difference. I don't want to be simply ordinary. I don't want to be stuck in a routine and lusting after money.

Have you ever read The Little Prince? That says exactly what I mean.

"No grow-up will ever understand that this is a matter of so much importance!"

happiness

2005-04-21T01:26:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so so incredibly happy. ^_^ I'm on a serious emotional high. I don't know why but I'm hypothesising...

a) I'm feeling free and independent. I'm being consciously single and NOT available, and I want to stay that way. Until I find the perfect (in my context) guy, infatuations just corrupt friendships. And friendships are what I want.

b) I spent the entire night talking, first to Gordon and then to Clare and Flick. And I only did half a page of notes.

c) I think I've found the guy friend that I want. Need a different perspective on things once in a while. Clare has Anthony. Can I please have Gordon? Luke's ditched me. (*LOL*)

d) an addition of everything. The weather, my friends, the laughter, the unloading... the unbitchiness of it all. The good clean fun as opposed to not.

I'm so on an emotional high I'm hitting the roof. I'm delirously happy!

Please don't make me analyse further to find out why.

people don't make sense when tired or drunk

2005-04-20T19:45:00.000-07:00

I slept at 5am today. And woke up at 9.30am to go for lab. The typical college kid trying to finish her work, I reckon. I'm keeping crazier and crazier hours, I don't think it's good for my health. Dad freaked out at me today cos of that. Something about not wanting to get a phone call saying that I was in hospital with a nervous breakdown. I suppose he's right, I should start taking some care of myself. Maybe I'll go play badminton tonight.

I was being really random and wiped out today. Actually, I called Clare at 3.30am this morning (SORRY!!!!! I thought you were still at Trinity!!!!) and according to her I made no sense whatsoever and she had to figure out what I was saying from the words "group blog". Oh yeah. Go check it out/join it!!!!!!
It's: >[link: MediDent]

On another interesting note, Gordon and Jace turned up at Kats tonight piss drunk. I was NOT amused. They positively stank of alcohol. But they were still as good fun as ever, only they swore twice as much. They sort of made sense, I guess. Not much though.

Clare's going off *him*. And I've gone off (past tense) mine. For a multitude of reasons which I don't care to explain. One thing. It was never love. But it was turning into lust. And I don't want to go there yet, not with romantic ideals in my head. And many other reasons. I'm single and not looking, I"ll be my independent self. Now I just have to stay that way.

tonight + tomorrow

2005-04-19T17:40:00.000-07:00

I came back from uni today with an impulse buy. Oh yes. Me of the cannot-spend-too-much-money-I-don't-have-enough complaint. Couldn't help myself, I was at the guild village and the markets were on, saw the cutest dress for only $10!!! Ok fine so it's short and it's slit all the way up my thigh. So what? I'll wear it with jeans or something. Depending on circumstances I might not even consider wearing a bottom at all, it isn't THAT bad. It's a spag-strap dress, black, the front's cut down really low with all these folds of material, but there's this lace tube thing inside. And so long I wear a black strapless bra everything should be fine. I'm contemplating wearing it to Tiff's party. All my half-formal party clothes are black/black and white... and I have 3 and 2 of them cost under $15. Go me.

At least I left the bead jewellery shop alone. I was standing there comtemplating buying this really cool necklace, but then I thought what need have I for jewellery and decided not to start blowing my cash on impulse buys.

Maybe I should start claiming belated birthday presents.

Anyway I was being random today, I made Flick try on the dress, and then later in the afternoon I got Clare to try it on. It's the greatest little black dress. Then I tried on Clare's ball dress- she has the COOLEST ball dress, its like this dark blue colour and the back is all cool and criss-crossy. I love the back. It's so cool. I can't get over it. I NEED TO GET A BALL DRESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When I go back to Singapore that's something else on my list that I need to get. Clare says she'll go ball dress shopping with me, she knows where to go and it'll be way cheaper than getting it here! Med ball is in September anyway, still got lots of time. I'm going alone or with Clare if no one asks me to it. Or if I can't get the courage up to ask someone else. What will prolly happen though is that our group of friends will probable pair off... which will make no difference, we'll still hang out in this huge group as usual.

Tonight's plans involves a major study marathon until the early hours of tomorrow morning. That's because I'm not PROSHing and we only have 2 stupid fixed-resource sessions to go to. Like I don't know how to use the library.

The Trinity guys are coming over tonight. Hopefully we won't go as pshyco tonight as the last time we pulled an all-nighter. Although I'm all up for it, it WOULD be fun!!!

Argh. And double argh.

2005-04-18T22:11:00.000-07:00

MSN has stuffed up on my computer. Something about someone else signing in on my account, which slightly freaks me out. I hope there isn't some weird freako trying to pretend to be me. It's either that or MSN has well and truly stuffed up on my computer. Well Blogger has stuffed up on my computer as well, come to think of it. I think I need a new computer. Well ok, not computer, I meant laptop. Now stop being pedantic, ok? I need Internet, I've become like this addict. I need to come off it and start doing some work... ARGH. Too difficult.

Need to study need to study need to study need to study.

Or I can always go watch Ice Age again.

No, must study.

STUFF ALL!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-04-17T21:20:00.000-07:00

The reason I haven't appeared online on MSN and haven't blogged is because the proxy server at Kats is down. BUT the SNAP network still works in the computer rooms, so while Clare is trying to figure out how to sign onto MSN using the uni network, I shall blog.

I'm confused, fustrated, and stressed.

AND I'm not making sense. Seriously I've got my mind so much on other things, this week alone I've locked myself out of my room 3 times and lost my keys IN MY ROOM about 10 thousand times. I'm absolutely hopeless.

I need to figure out where I stand on all this. I need to think it through.

And in the end, I will succumb. Again.

Tam says that she associates me more and more with the song White Houses by Vanessa Carlton... I sorta agree. I mean, I'm at college, what do you expect??? New experiences pop up every day, and like the persona, I'm up for anything and everything. I'm going wild. But I'm enjoying myself and learning much. I shall calm down in a bit. It's stormy right now, but I trust it'll all work out in the end.

Go me!

I'm living life somewhat on the edge.

White Houses- Vanessa Carlton

Crashed on the floor when I moved in
This little bunk alone with some strange new friends
Stay up too late, and I'm too thin
We promise each other it's til the end
Now we're spinning empty bottles
It's the five of us
With pretty eyed boys girls die to trust
I can't resist the day
No, I can't resist the day

Jenny screams out and it's no pose
'Cause when she dances she goes and goes
Beer through the nose on an inside joke
I'm so excited, I haven't spoken
And she's so pretty, and she's so sure
Maybe I'm more clever than a girl like her
The summer's all in bloom
The summer is ending soon

It's alright and it's nice not to be so alone
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses

Maybe I'm a little bit over my head
I come undone at the things he said
And he's so funny in his bright red shirt
We were all in love and we all got hurt
I sneak into his car's black leather seat
The smell of gasoline in the summer heat
Boy, we're going way too fast
It's all too sweet to last

It's alright
And I put myself in his hands
But I hold on to your secrets in white houses
Love, or something ignites in my veins
And I pray it never fades in white houses

My first time, hard to explain
Rush of blood, oh, and a little bit of pain
On a cloudy day, it's more common than you think
He's my first mistake

Maybe you were all faster than me
We gave each other up so easily
These silly little wounds will never mend
I feel so far from where I've been
So I go, and I will not be back here again
I'm gone as the day is fading on white houses
I lie, put my injuries all in the dust
In my heart is the five of us
In white houses

And you, maybe you'll remember me
What I gave is yours to keep
In white houses
In white houses
In white houses

Have/Have Not

2005-04-14T17:45:00.000-07:00

I've just realised I haven't talked to him for a really long time. Well what can I do? It's too obvious, so many people have guessed already, I don't want it to become just another piece of faculty gossip. Dodgey dodgey dodgey. Dodgey as. And I can't do anything about it. I'm still hopelessly in it deep. Oh well. I'll live. *LOL*

I've been indulging in lots of girl talk recently, it's got to be the kind of thing that sends guys screaming from the room. But it's so theraputic!!!! I've just realised that all my life I've been such a private person... I never told anyone anything, I just kept it all bottled up inside me. This is the first time ever I've been comfortable enough with friends to tell all. Like, everything. It's so cool! I'm cool by association.

Thanks all you guys. For listening, talking, and laughing at everything.

Remember:

Don't blame it on the sunshine

Don't blame it on the moonlight

Don't blame it on the good times

Blame it on the boogie!

SMA and ASIA

2005-04-14T17:30:00.000-07:00

I'm such a slack blogger these days. Sorry, but I'm like innundated with work??? Not to mention this is my "going out" week and I've not done much work at all. In fact now I'm currently in the GAT lab doing my FCP assignment due in this afternoon. In 1 1/2 hours, to be exact. I am such a slacker. BAD BAD BAD. I'm going on a gulit trip, and I'm not going out anymore this entire term except to Tiff's birthday party. Exams are in 6 weeks, and one of these remaining precious moments (read:weeks) is taken up by rural week. And I'm going to Collie. COLLIE. It's the only place in the world you have to go uphill to get to a hole.

On to funner stuff!

Went to SMA dinner Wednesday night, it was good clean fun. Had really good food and hung out with Tiff, Clare, Mike, Joe, Su Lin, Phoebe etc... met lots of new people as well! Stuffed myself silly, in fact, and when I got back to college and tried to study, I lasted to 2.30am and then passed out on my bed from need of sleep. Disappointing. I thought I was nocturnal. Alex was playing "time of your life" on the guitar, OMG it was SOOOOO good. Love that song so much. So much so that Clare and I made Mike wait for us so that we could listen to it one more time! Poor guy, he was like "can we please PLEASE go now, I'm tired...", and we just ignored him. Oh well. Left around 10.45pm. It was a good night.

Last night went for ASIA, that was one good party!!!! Except every now and then I smelt alcohol/cigarette smoke and had to beat it or die of suffocation. I kept getting asked strange questions like "hey, since when was underage clubbing allowed? *hint hint*" or "so...you moved to Manjimup when you were 15 right? Any good clubs there?" or even "did you go to parties every week or something?". Guys, I'm sorry to destroy your happy illusions but I've actually never been in a club ever before and I don't intend to start. I'm no party chick, last year I even boycotted the school ball. In fact, last night was the THRID night I've ever been out dancing, full stop. I just look pro, but I'm not. *LOL* The music wasn't all that good, it was all R&B, which I'm not really fond of, but I had a good partner, so it was all good. Errr... Gordon actually has like all these photos that he's planning to blackmail me with... but HEY Gordy you're a really cool guy so you won't right??? *innocent look* LOL** Poor guy he's getting so much emotional blackmail from me. But I love him. *LOL* Way to much innuendeo in my dancing. Too much hard proof. I must hereon step carefully. I shall NOT go into detail. This is going to be so embarassing when I get to know him better.

Flick's theory is that I'm emotionally driven and lonely. I think she's right. I'm too free with myself. I get lead too easily, I mean, there's got to be a reason your friends freak out when you've disappeared for an hour and they start checking all the upstairs rooms. I don't know what my motivations are anymore. My reputation's going down the drain. Let's try climbing back up now.

And what makes Jace think I'm gonna tell him who I like??? No way dude, I don't trust you. I'm so keeping away from him.

Go Clare!!!! You rock girl!!!!!!!! (personal message. Presumably you know what I'm on about *hinthint*

Perceptiveness

2005-04-12T02:50:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling so relieved. For those who didn't realise, I was in major panic mode on sunday night. My USB drive was gone and my laptop died on me. I.E. I had absolutely no copies of ANYTHING. No FAHB essay, past PBLs, all the work I ever did- gone. That's why I haven't blogged for so long! Anyway I really freaked out and started turning my room upside down. Even called up the guys at Trinity, think the only person who made lucid sense throughout was Cris. I was so fustrated that I even let loose on Luke, fully screaming on the phone and everything. (I'm sorry Luke, you didn't deserve that. My bad.) Then Clare came over to help me destroy my room, thanks for comforting me when I was feeling so down and was sobbing. Things looked better Monday morning anyway.

My laptop was still dead, made it through uni for the day though. Went for Spinifex, it was really good, went there with Luke, met Gordon, Phoeb, Ed, etc... I enjoyed it, the speaker person really laid bare the differences between boys and girls. Glad we convinced Gordon to stay. Anyway brought my laptop for Gordon and Howard to check out after, but as it ended up, they and Cris came over to Kats to print out stuff. It was pretty cool, then them guys came to my room to check on my comp, but guess what? They flicked the on switch, and it didn't freeze up the way it was doing before. It WORKED!!!!!!!!! Cris says its this "asian aura" thing. *shrugs* Whatever. I LOVE YOU TRINITY GUYS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! So much. SO so so much. Thank you so much.

I still can't find the USB. I'm leaving it till later. What will probably happen is that I'll get a new one and the old one will turn up. But seriously, I don't have many options left. It's definitely NOT in my room. It might be at Trinity, but the guys checked and it isn't. So I either lost it at Kats of it's been stolen. I don't like my chances.

Just came back from a study session at Trinity. Fairly productive, actually- although I fell asleep and got woken up and told to go back "home". Starting to stress again. Bad. And seeing as I'm going out so much this week. Think I'm sleeping extra late today. Just to make it back up.

Gordon has got to be one of the most perceptive guys that I know. He's absolutely trustworthy, he actualy managed to get my blog addy off me. And today he guessed right off who he is, which is pretty good. He's capable of keeping things to himself anyway. He stands really high in the estimation of lots of my friends. Gordon's really cool, I reckon. Even if he is a Kiwi! *lol* So Gordon, on the off chance that you read my blog again, you now know the high opinion I have of you. And go on Vodafone dude!!!!! Save us all a whole lot of money!!!!!!!!

I'm simply desperate. At least Clare has some hope. At least se knows what she wants. I'm just hopeless. Sorry people. I'm a goner with a sucky track record.

What a life.

FCP

2005-04-10T12:10:00.000-07:00

Slept at 6.30am and woke up at 10.30am, the guys (read: Howard and Chris) came over from Trinity at approximately 2.30am and we had SO much fun. Started out studying, like I was trying to finish cardiovasular systems by the morning, but I gave up and joined in the fun instead after a while! It was the lamest stuff, like we kept playing all these card games, and you could see everyones' IQ going down as time wore on, after a while no one was making much sense and laughing at everything... Then someone suggested strip poker and Clare and I were like "NO", so ended up playing games of poker where the biggest loser had to drink a full cup of water and only the winner could go to the toilet. Clare kept losing, I swear the guys rigged the game or something, but it was hilariously funny!!! Should do it again. To hell with my resolution to not go over to Trinity more than once a week. I'll live. I'm going tonight again, and anyway I want Gordon to explain genetics to me.

But at the moment my worry is that I seem to have lost my USB drive and the FCP newspaper acticle. Death to FCP death to FCP death to FCP death to FCP death to FCP death to FCP death to FCP. Argh. And why the hell am I so careless??? WHERE IS MY USB KEY DRIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!????????????????????????????????

Woke up too late to have breakkie, so going for lunch now...

blogging streaks

2005-04-09T20:40:00.000-07:00

I'm on a blogging streak. Just in case you haven't noticed, I've been blogging nearly everyday, sometimes even 2 or 3 times a day. My theory is that since I don't have the time and/or inclination to diary-write every day, I make up for it in blogging. I just want a chronicle of my life that I can look back on. Probably would make more sense to actually write it out in that case but oh well. I'll get around to printing everything out for posterity's sake someday. Currently I'm in the comp lab at Kats, Clare's printing out notes for me, and I'm simply stoning. Great what friends do for you if you treat them good *hhex* >_<" (or even if you don't =Pp *from clare*)

Nah, I love my friends. In college and in uni, they're all that matter. Really REALLY matter.

I mean, who else will say ok when you suggest a walk along the foreshore at 1 in the morning? Who else prints off all your uni notes for you? Who else would agree with your scam to put pink bubblebath ino the St. George's fountain? Who else would study with you till 3 in the morning? Who else would comfort you when you're down? Who else would tell you that you're crazy, childish, and insane???

Nobody would. See my point now?

Sunshine is making me happier and happier and happier. I'm so bubbly I think I'm going over the top. I'm so strange, my moods are tied to the weather...

I'm having the time of my life. No sleep and all.

P.S. He's talking to me again. Definately, definately talking to me again. And I know why he stopped, third-hand though. It made sense. I just can't tell. But I know that it'll be a long time before he's going out with anyone, let alone me. Play by ear, play by ear. I sort of like it this way anyway. My friends all understand, and at the moment I'm fully comfortable with simply being his friend. Being "just friends" is perfectly fine with me. Even if it stays that way.

Time of my life?

2005-04-08T02:30:00.000-07:00

Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road

Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go

So make the best of this test, and don't ask why

It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind

Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time

Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial

For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.

I hope you had the time of your life.

Just came back from Trinity, that place is like my second home or something, the way this is all going. I figured though, if I want to get lots of study done while there, hang out with Gordon... If I want to stay up all night talking, hang out with Luke. If I want to get nominal study done and a quietly fun time, crash at Howard's room. Well, did all 3 tonight/this morning, but spent the most time in Howard's room... Went through the protein lab then, as well as that stupid membrane transport thing. Bounced between Kats and Trinity, came back to do some more work, but got called to the latter again. Nah it's really cool. Just have to sleep late tonight, need to get some more work done. And I have a 9-5 day tomorrow, so this is going to be fairly interesting. Thank God I've done the lab before, it's like that plasmid and restriction enzyme thingy... Talked Gordon into buying Flame of Recca when he goes bacK!!!! That's gonna be SO cool!

Brought the guys (meaning Howard, Luke and Cris) to Kats, Howard kept annoying Clare... Sorry!!!! I tried to stop him but couldn't, in the end I grabbed him and physically dragged him away. Argh. Sometimes... ... Anyway he says one day he'll come over and reformat my computer so it'll stop dying on me every 5 seconds as it does, which is really nice of him. The key word here (as it always is with guys) is one day.

He's talking to me again, obviously. At least after I sort of dropped a not-so-subtle hint that I was NOT going out with Luke. He's getting back to acting like we used to. Slowly. I'm happy enough.

I'm tired. Need to finish Edugen DNA pre-lab. Oh ARGH...

For the upteenth time, no I'm NOT

2005-04-07T01:05:00.000-07:00

What's with this thing that I'm going out with Luke? I'm not. Don't people have better things to do at college than to randomly gossip? Anthony was like, "well DUH what fo you expect? And why do you care?" Well I suppose that stuff like that happens. And I mind cos he is thinks that as well. And I don't want random rumors to destroy my friendship with Luke. Isn't that fair enough? Other than that I wouldn't give a damn. I normally don't give a damn. I'm turning strange on myself. Argh.

Clare thinks she's got the reason why he's not talking to me all sussed out. It does make sense, but there's always that uncertainty factor. I can't think like a guy, I'm sorry. Spectulating isn't going to help me. Playing it by ear does though, at the moment anyway. I tend to overanalyse otherwise. I don't even know if we suit... I mean, I think so, but I'm biased. I've been anti-boyfriend for so long that I don't know what's right anymore. I can't read signals for the life of me. For all I know I might be simply making a fool of myself... I mean, like look at my track record. My love life has always sucked. Oh well. At least I'm not as desperately obsessed as Tiffany is. **tries to comfort self***grabs the chocolate** Talking of which, Tiff has like this majorly freakish stalker. He tracks her so much that it's stopped being funny and it's become just plain scary. We don't dare to leave her alone when he's around anymore.

Why is it that platonic relationships with guys are always so difficult? There's like always this innuendo factor, and everyone immediately assumes that the both of you are going out cos of the amount of time you spend together. Wait, rephase. The relationship itself isn't difficult, it's the societal constraints and stigma that put pressure on it. So annoying.

Erin took me to a booksale today!!! It was really good, got all these books for peanuts. Mostly non-fiction. Oh, and guess what?? I'VE FINALLY GOT NO LOGO BY NAOMI KLEIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

There's still the bright side of life. Friends that stay there for you.

Oh well, have to hand up english essay tomorrow... handed up FAHB essay today, the relief was solid. So that's the bulk of workdone, and next week I'm going partying!!!! Well... sort of. Going to SMA Dinner wednesday night, going for the ASIA party thursday night, which means by the time I turn up for lectures friday I'll be SOOO out of it. Go me, I believe I'll survive!

Feeling This

2005-04-05T19:20:00.000-07:00

Just called dad to wish him happy birthday, he's hit the big 5-0 now. He sounded tired and resigned. Come to think of it, so did mom when she called me before. I think my being away from home ages them with worry, especially since I don't tell them much. Well I can't really, can I? Everytime they call and ask my what I'm doing that night, I always answer: "study". Which is true. And when they ask how I'm doing, I answer: "Fine, I'm studying but I still have a life". They got really freaked when I told them I wanted to go to Africa to stay with Luke sometme, they thought it was too dangerous. I think I'll simply raise the money myself and go. I want to see the country. I like talking to mom better than to dad, at least she doesn't immediately jump to conclusions- dad was like: "Michelle, what do you mean by really close friend?" Uh...what about exactly what I said?

I'm definately going somewhere exotic for medical option when I can. I want to see the world. I'd like to live my parents' dreams for them.

Status: Momentary infatuation over. We're not talking (and, no, it's NOT Jace). I've learnt to control my hormones. Either that or I'm abnormal- I don't go into guy surfing very much. They make great friends though.

Tam>>>Happy 17th birthday girl!!!!!!!!!!!

Which reminds me that I need to go shopping soon. Got lots of birthdays coming up! ^_^

Got to go, have a college medical tute. Cheerio!!

Foreshore

2005-04-05T03:10:00.000-07:00

Just came back from a walk along the foreshore, and also just finished doing the final edits to my FAHB essay. Feeling really glad that I didn't procrastinate as usual and finished my essay last week. Gives me time to review and think it over. For example, got told today that Gordon just finished the last line of his conclusion only to realise that his argument wasn't going to work, so he has the next 24 hours to come out with something decent. Me I'm just adding in more and more references and re-editing. Anyway decided to blog before I go to sleep.

I love walking on the foreshore. The Perth city lights reflect on the river, and you can see everything...It's peaceful, tranquil, beautiful, at rest. It's this feeling that I know a side of the city I love that noone's ever seen. Mute darkness and the gentle play of light, sparkles within waves, disjointed stars that reside in water. Streetlights lighting a path less travelled. The multicoloured magic of the city. Shadow and suggestion... ... Love living at college, I get to have experiences like this. I made a random decision to go for a walk, was initially going alone, but then remembered that Luke loves walking and the foreshore as well, and I enjoy his company. So dragged him along, was actually going to walk, but the view was breathtaking- and so I sat on the rock wall and so did he. Spent our time talking- actually it beats spending nights at Trinity.

Sitting there, I looked out over the calm water and rippled sand, and felt...at peace. I felt happy and contented. The city sleeps while two friends share memories and experiences, past and present, dreams and hopes. Two people that started out fighting, but are now fast friends. I'm glad that God's seen my needs and my emptiness, the cavity left behind by friends no longer nearby- and given me a friend that I can relate to oh-so-well. God knows, I must just remember to trust. Friends add up, they never replace.

Thanks Luke. For everything.

umumummmm... ...

2005-04-04T14:45:00.000-07:00

This is slightly scary, uh people here that visit my blog... you're sworn to silence okay? I tend to put up fairly personal stuff up here, and I don't want to find my activities gossiped about through the faculty... But I trust you guys anyway. MY FRIENDS ROCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ^_^"

Yeah I've seriously done major cheering up since a couple of days ago. I feel right as rain again! Still think it's something to do with sunshine... as well as forgetting, not caring, and having a great chat with one of my really good friends. It's strange that I find I can open up to him, can talk to him about anything. There aren't many people around that I can do that with, and of those, none of them I've managed to talk to this freely with after only knowing them less than 2 months (i.e. not a very long time). Our friends tell us that we sound like an old married couple, bickering non-stop but always in harmony. Actually how we met was really funny- the first conversation I ever had with him was a really major argument, and I thought he was a snob. (I won that argument, by the way.) Anyway I'm basically a private person, I don't let many things slip about what matters most. Everyone knows bits about me, but noone knows everything. That's why I don't get rumors spread around about me, although that could change fairly soon. I hope it'll never, but I'll be pessimistic and expect the worst. I'm sorta watching my reputation go down the sink. If my parents knew half of what I'm doing, they'll probably put me in a nunnery because they'll get really freaked if I (metaphorically) trip and fall. I know that I'll never, these friends that I hang with are really decent and cool, I do actually have limits and want to do the right thing. Do I have to start preparing defenses soon?

But to all my friends out there- thanks for being there for me, thanks for tolerating my crazy behaviour and jumpiness...

On a brighter note, Tiff and I had to teach Allan the male reproductive system today... *LOL* it was classic man, the dude was like poking organs and asking us what they were. The funniest thing was that he truly, sincerely did not have a clue!! You'd think that a guy would be familar enough with his own system, but no... Tiff and I just looked at each other and cracked up while Allan looked on with a blur expression on his face. It was just classic. Funny as.

Going to SMA wednesday cos everyone's going, more specifically Luke's going as well, I prolly should go anyway. I've been skipping it so much cos I enjoy walking with him to lab, but he talked me into going to SMA with him. Jess is gonna kill me for not turning up for so long... Going to SMA dinner next wednesday!!!!! *fun* Who else is coming???

BTW, new layout courtesy of my ever constant Tammi, I'm loving it dudette!!!!!! Thanks a million!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Verdict

2005-04-03T13:30:00.000-07:00

Verdict: I have no chance. I give up. Forget it. Thanks for caring anyway.

Playing by ear. Not taking active action.

Feeling Better Now...

2005-04-03T11:00:00.000-07:00

Yep feeling much better now, something about sunshine brightens up my soul. I have to start studying again, uni hols end tomorrow... got so much to do but somehow really can't be bothered to start. I really should though. Hopefully I get dragged to Trinity again tonight, and then I can get some stuff done... ** hears Erin and Flick laughing in the background** Hey I truly will alright!! LOL anyway thanks for listening, both of you. It made all the difference in the world.

Got sleep last night, and that added to the long walk I had had a good effect on me. Feeling happier again...

Thank God uni's starting up again, I dunno about you but I like uni. It helps me structure my time and I tend to get lots more done! It's just not condusive to my nocturnal beginnings... because no matter how hyper I can get, I WILL fall asleep in lectures.

It's strange how nocturnal I'm getting... I'm getting a fair few of those fall-asleep-at-4am mornings, surviving on less then 10 hours in 3 days kinda thing. But somehow if the sun is shining I'm still alive. I should photosynthesise. It'll be a cool idea. Everyone else thinks that I'm bleeding crazy, but what they don't know is that I catch small breaks in between... Like half-napping when everyone else is watching a movie that I don't like. It isn't much, but it's something. Luke just keeps telling me that 10 days without sleep is more fatal than not eating for a week. FATIGUE is bad. But I'm surviving my way. So long I catch up on sleep weekends and never have to wake up before 6.30 am, I shall not go brain dead. So long Luke and Howard keep dragging me to Trinity, I will go. I enjoy going there. It's great fun, being the only girl in a group of guys.

Contiunity

2005-04-02T05:26:00.000-08:00

Something's wrong with me, I swear. I'm not eating properly, I'm getting little to no sleep (excluding the 10 hours I had last night), the weather's getting to me and I've been acting depressed so much that he keeps asking me what's wrong.

If I didn't know better I'd classify this as lovesickness. But since I do know better in fact, I'm calling it too-much-on-my-mind. Of which the previous statement factors in as well.

I took a walk to clear my mind, and I dragged along some of my friends. Was walking and thinking all the way, wanted to make it to the brewery but they wouldn't let me go on alone. I feel at peace walking along the foreshore, something about salty breeze and waves crashing. I should do it more often, it helps me to think. I walked away feeling better, came back feeling worse. Think I'm getting depressed pretty fast and deep. Why I don't know. Can't put my finger on it. I think it's because everything's adding up. In this huge pile and I don't know where to start.

This is so unlike me. This isn't the real me. The real Michelle was always bubbly and happy, and she never gave a damn about problems and hard feelings. This me at the moment has stopped laughing for way too long. She's feeling down so much it simply isn't funny. She thought it was lack of sleep but it isn't it.

She's sinking fast.

I must be MAD.

2005-03-31T20:00:00.000-08:00

There I am, in another one of those things...

I've found a guy who I enjoy being with, who makes me laugh, who is kind and sincere. I know a guy who I think I can live with, and that's saying alot. I've found a guy who hides nothing, is frank, and says exactly what he thinks. I've found a guy that doesn't try to be fake- and guys like that don't exist anywhere and everywhere anymore. I've found a guy who doesn't care for protocol, but yet is moral and upright. I could go on forever, but I think I'll stop right here.

Now let's just hope I don't muck this up like all the rest. Let's hope I'm reading signals right. Let's hope I don't make a fool of myself. I hope I can live without...

I am so fickle and pathetic. Why do I even think I can get him anyway. Maybe I just simply need to wake up. To the real world.

Where I wonder why Murphy's Law applies to ONLY me.

Ramdom Ramblings of a Rando

2005-03-31T19:00:00.000-08:00

Hi guys this is a really random entry from a really tired someone. Well I'm not really tired, I'm just...bemused and dazed. It might have something to do with the fact that I got woken up at midnight last night, and only got back to college about 4.30 am...

See last night I went to sleep early because I was SO tired right, and then Howard and Lu decided to call me until I woke up at approximately midnight...and after slamming the phone down on their "Hey Chelle you awake?", I turn over and go back to sleep. Only to get woken up by Tam, but that was a worthwhile cause, and so I duly wake up. After chatting for more than an hour, I decide to stuff it all and go to Trinity anyway, but didn't bank on the extreme cold, it was windy and thundery and everything, and here I am in shorts.

With Gordon, Chris (yay I finally met him!), Lu and Howard in Gordon's room talking physcology for awhile, something about gay people and homosexuality... conversation that was all guy, couldn't really contribute to it. So retreated to Howard's room for the remainder of the morning, the other guys found us alone and threatened to spread rumors (which they were going to anyway)- truly was sota studying though! Howard chased them out and locked the door. Anyway.

Got very little sleep and went to my first aid course with Phobe today. Was VERY fun, I enjoyed it.

Tam>> You had a hard decision to make but you made it in the end. Self-sacrifice is one of the most admirable acts in history. I'm proud of you for being strong. I respect your resolve.

The Meaning of 17

2005-03-31T17:40:00.000-08:00

For those people that don't really know me, I've just unceremoniously turned 17. It was a quiet turning, many forgot and few remembered. But I'll always be grateful to the few. It was all worth the friendship, the workings, the random events that went on throughout my short life.

17 doesn't mean much legally, but it means so much to me. I think that when I'm old and grey, I'll look back on my life and wish that I were 17 again. It's going to be a year of new experiences, and year of friendship, as-yet-unforseen heartbreak, the year of carefree youth. 17 symbolises so much to me now... It's then year I left home to fend for myself, it's the year where everything is loming large, the year where things all start to fall into place and I can glimspe my future yet again.

16 seems so far away... ...16 was the year I did nothing but study- however it was also the year I spent in quiet contemplation. I found myself last year, discovered an identity I wanted to be. I dreamt and worked, always holding before myself my goals and aspirations. I thought of spiritual things and God. I became the thinker that I feel myself to be now.

I was 16. But now I am one year older, one year wiser, one year braver, one year ahead.

I am 17.

All-nighters Are Good Fun!

2005-03-24T05:30:00.000-08:00

I've just woke up from a nap trying to catch up on no sleep. And I literally spent all night awake and went straight for my lectures starting at 9 in the morning, ended up trying not to fall asleep/falling asleep in all 3 of them. But before you label me as totally crazy and blaming this entry on a mentally screwed mind (the result of no sleep)- I've got to say that I had the time of my life. I loved it, it was more than just good fun! It was a absolutely totally random night...

See, last night Howard (dent guy from Trinity) called me up to see if we girls could join him to study in the Med+Dent library, so Clare and I felt sorry for him and promptly took ourselves off to accompany him (Flick had the sense to stay back). So lugged Saladin all the way to the library and we spent a little more than an hour sitting around doing work and talking... more talking than doing work on my part. I dunno, its like there's this invisible force that compels me to fill up silence or something. Anyway so we sit around calling up random people to study with us, most specifically Luan and Gordon. No one was contactable, so we storm back to Trinity with Howard at maybe 9pm and drag Luan to St. Cat's with us... (the attractions of pizza and air-con). Gordon was just being antisocial and Clare didn't succeed in convincing him to come. Although she did succeed in doing something that none of us will never let her forget. **mwahahahahHA** So I've got like 5 people crashing in my room raising the roof (Flick turned up), and we call Domino's and order 2 large pizzas. Take off to the study room, do intermittent work till about 2-something am- puntuated by pizza break at 11.45pm and Flick leaving to get sleep at 12am... oh and did I mention that Clare scared off the pizza guy? And that she lost her keys about 4 times yesterday...and found them 5 minutes later each time.

Clare, Lu, Howard and I left, and then we suddenly decide to walk to the foreshore at about 2.30 am, sat by the river for awhile talking and finding jellyfish. During this period of time we then decide that it wasn't worth going to sleep that night (or morning?) cos having that little sleep would leave us brain-dead in the morning when we woke up (who's theory was this??), so the only logical conclusion was to crash at Trinity. After Clare and I go back to Cat's for a shower. We packed our bags for that day's classes and run off to Trinity- and then we realise that there are gonna be people who will know that we spent the entire night with members of the male sex. Ah well. Who cares?

In Trinity we ended up sitting outside the dining hall playing Zhua Dai De, and then figured we might as well walk to the Matilda Bay jetty. Sat around the jetty commenting on how pretty it was, and then we started walking back to Trinity. That's when it started to get interesting. We were so tired and high that we were acting like we were drunk, you know, no inhibitions and everything. I think I was alternatively either holding Howard's hand or walking with arms around each other kind of thing, same with Lu, we were like draped on each other or something. 2 girls and 2 guys, tired, get together, funny bad. We were getting higher and higher every second. We were talking nonsense all the way...and doing the weirdest things. Oooooooh boy...

Got back to Trinity and crashed in Lu's room- talk about foursome! It was seriously funny, Howard blacked out and Clare put shaving cream on him. I was lying on Lu and Clare was reading a book. Went for breakkie at Trinity, ending up just drinking coffee. Lots and lots and lots of coffee. Then rocked up at Howard's room. Oh well, corridor, whatever. In the end was shooting hoops until we had to leave for class.

And yes, I blacked out the moment Brenton Knott opened his nouth and said word one. I was hyper till then, really.

Nerd? Maybe not.

2005-03-23T02:27:00.000-08:00

Oooooooh yeah.

Open Mouth, Insert Foot.

2005-03-21T14:50:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I assume the silliest things. Like today I thought I was getting hit on by by this guy- but it was actually Clare with a tempoary phone number. And now Tiffany won't shut up about it!!!!! So I made up this thing about me crushing a 6th year med student, which WAS technically true. I'm just being fickle again now and deciding to be boy-free. (X_X)"

Looking on the bright side now, spent the weekend at the Sexton's, and had a fabulous time. I was feeling lousey all last friday, and then I was wondering how I was actually gonna make it to Kenwick to see Maree ( I didn't get there at all in the end, but that's another story. I wasn't thinking straight that day.) Anyway, saw Ree and her brothers, and they made us cook, said they would wash up, only they have a dishwasher. (O_o)" Spent most of Friday night laughing my guts out, spent Saturday in church, and all Saturday night playing Mafia. OOooooooohhhh...Mafia. That's the most addictive game on the planet. Andrew taught it to us, apparently it gets played to the early hours of the morning everytime there's an ASA event. So got back to the house 12.30 am-ish, then Ree went to sleep and I spent the next hour or so talking to Paul, which I've not done for a long time. Only he had a trialthelon and had to get up at 4.30 am, so he got something like 3 hours sleep. And it was good to see Ree again, it's been some time!! Yeah and John as well... I love those people, they all treat me like I'm an adopted little sister. Even Wendy doesn't get irritated when I call her in a panic (she's sort of become my medical problem hotline).

But I'm back at the grindstone again, but the hols are coming up soon. I'm dragging Clare down to the farm with me so I can let her experience cultureshock!! (^_<) *hehehehehehhhh* City girl in the deep country.

Loving Medical school...

2005-03-17T15:56:00.000-08:00

Surprise surprise, some people who you think have fallen off the face of the planet still exist, funnily enough.
I’m trying to get a new layout done, so don’t stress about the mass-produced feel of this page at the moment, I’ll change it as soon as I figure out how it all works. So maybe you have to just put up with this.
Just who are the people I’m stuck with now? Guess… well I’ll tell you. They’re all asians. And they’re mostly once from Singapore/ Hong Kong/Malaysia. There’s this thing about how different races seem to gravitate together. Its really strange. I mean, after I’ve lived in Manji, where I was like one of 2 asians… I got used to hanging out with white people I suppose. But here its like…different? The aussies get really cliquey here in the city. The country was friendlier.
Yeah anyway only had 3 hours today of contact, packed lunch and spent an hour bumming around with Tiff, Fliss, Clare, Elvin, Anthony and Edmond. Went to the Hackett Hall café, ate each others’ food (I kept picking at Tiff’s chips), then dragged the guys to feed the ducks. All laughed at the ducks’ antics, Elvin left, then the rest of us ended up sitting on the floor of the lobby of Winthrop Hall taking random pictures with Edmond’s phone. It was like a group of crazy kids sitting on a grand marble floor in the middle of nowhere. At first I thought all the nice guys were in dent, but now I see I’m wrong, there’re even nicer guys in med!!!! Oh yeah and Clare’s coming home with me over easter, and college life rocks.
I’m more than living, I’m enjoying life. Even if I’m in MEDICAL SCHOOL.

2005-03-08T17:30:00.000-08:00

I really want to go for this. I might drag a couple of friends there as well.

“INTERNATIONAL DAY OF ACTION AGAINST THE WAR IN IRAQ - MARCH 20
With John Howard sending an additional 450 troops at an expense of $300 million and Iraqi casualties climbing above 100,000, it is becoming increasingly important to protest this illegal occupation. That's why anti-war activists are calling on all progressive minded people to
rally in Kings Square Fremantle at 1pm on the 2nd anniversary of the invasion of Iraq to demand "No More Troops to Iraq. Bring them all Home NOW!" Protest has been organized by the No War Alliance and is endorsed by the UWA Student Guild. For more information call 9218 9608.”

I wonder if I was really nice to Tam if she would do a layout foe me… **hopes**

*_*”

2005-03-06T21:10:00.000-08:00

Seriously, I shouldn’t actually be here blogging. I should be doing work, I was actually supposed to be in the library studying, doing my zoo report, doing my english reading, doing my biochemistry notes. But Felicity, Clare, and I decided to meet in the computer lab instead and now we’re just surfing around doing nothing. I really should go to the library and get some stuff done but I just can’t be stuffed. I guess I’ve done enough for the first week of uni. I’ve already gone through two 2 am study sessions reading pathology textbooks.
Felicity’s the scary one, she always knows what’s happening. The number of times she’s saved my ass you can’t imagine. We’re all going to give tuition in the way of extra cash.
ASA’s going to be sooooo great, I really hope Paul gets it off the ground and keeps it flying. That guy is so amazing. And talking about amazing guys, Jared Watts is absolutely great. When Wendy said "nice", she meant it. And Maree if you’re reading this, I trust that you’ll understand what I’m trying to get at here. ^_^" I promise you guys I’m not normally this fickle, I’m normally not like this at all. Anyway back to ASA, Amy gave me a lift there. I’ve been going to Vict. Park church these couple of Sabbaths, but now I really want to check out North Perth and Belmont. I’m going to Bickley in about two weeks time cos I’m crashing at Paul and John’s place…so that should be interesting.
Tammi’s supposed to call me soon, I should actually go back to my room. Oh well.
If I drown under my workload, I’m sure someone will tell you about it.

I am... ...

2005-03-02T08:18:00.000-08:00

I am… …

The girl you see sitting in the corner of that dingy café stirring her hot chocolate and reading Freud or Dickens. The one that people describe as the freak, or different. Others not as vicious say that she is artsy, alternative, original. She is part of the landscape of the underground, another world. She’s always got her head up in the clouds.

Think of the girl you know that sits in the lecture theatre doodling on the edge of her notepaper, notes filled with her illegible scribble, dreaming of all the things that she’d like to do. She’s the one with her face lit up with the fire of debate, spending her days shredding George Bush and arguments into itty bitty pieces. She’s that activist in the walk-out, in that sit-in, in that protest march. As you peep through her bedroom window at midnight, you realise that she’s also that girl you see with her lights still on and her books still open…

Have you ever passed by that girl standing in the streets of the city, with her sketchbook in hand, in your endless rush to nowhere? With her pencil she etches memories that will never fade. Can you see the beauty that she sees? She’s got music sounding in her ears, and he melody that she hums sounds strangely familiar, haunting… “all lies and jest, still a man hears what he wants to hear and disregards the rest…”

She’s the one that you glanced at yesterday, on her knees in the church, connecting eith the God that she loves and trusts. She’s that girl reading her Bible in the stillness of dawn. She’s the one that stopped you in the street the other day and told you about a God that cares for you. Did you laugh at her?

Do you remember- far away in the recesses of your mind- the girl with the cheerful smile, happy laugh, crazy antics, and bubbly character?

I am…she.

Uni in General

2005-03-02T00:15:00.000-08:00

Ok so I'm on Blogspot now and listening to Simon and Garfunkel's America. It's one of my fave songs ever, its so beautiful. It's about searching and the journey, trying to find something you're in but don't understand...

So now I can finally blog now that I've got the entire LAN and Ethernet thing figured out (and also because I stole someone’s username and password, hey don't blame me I don't have one of my own). While I'm on the subject of technology, I might also mention that I'm using the crappiest laptop ever, it's like dad’s old one and it's a Pentium II and the battery doesn't work and the screen's like 10 inches. I’ll have to get a better one when I go back to sunny old Singapore next holidays. Hope Wayne doesn't kill me when he figures out that Jenna gave me the St Cat's password.

St Cat's…OMG~ it totally rocks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My roomm's really cool, the food's really good, I get to call home often, the girl’s aren't bitchy, the med people are great…and Tommy Moore guys streak naked into the pool (we’re the only college with one) every night they get drunk, which means mostly Wednesdays and Fridays. The trinity boys did that last night, but I think they were sober. I kept missing them, every time I heard a splash I would run out to the pool with Bronwyn and her camera, but all we would find was the sound of their laughter as they ran away. I felt ripped off. And mind you this was like 2 in the morning. Yeah and my neighbours are from Zimbabwe, Singapore, Malaysia, Japan, Kenya, the Maldives…and other random places like that. And the orientation things they made us do, you wouldn’t believe. Like doing the Macarena in front of traffic in our pajamas on Stirling highway, doing this boot camp thing and jogging past the other colleges chanting and singing (tied together on this long rope), actually doing all this combat stuff, I think one night I got punched in the face as well as being dive tackled 5 times. Got all these brusies on my knees…and what else? Um there was this hands free dinner, I tell you eating ice cream off your plate is VERY very messy. You get it on your nose and everything. Yeah St Cat's is the best college on college row, it has the best rooms for the best food, you don't have to live with icky boys, you don't get totally smashed every night, the girls aren’t snobby or bitchy, we've got a pool, tennis courts, squash courts, great social calendar, and everyone's absolutely crazy.

And as for med, there’s some great people that I've met, and I know useless stuff like did you know there's 2 Michelle's and 2 Andrea's in the course and we're kinda in the same group of friends? The upper years are really nice, but I know that I won't be able to find all the ulu places like old pharmacology and the dissecting labs… and when they say uni's different from high school, they really mean it. They expect you to find everything out by yourself, and they mention things on the side that they expect you to take care of, it's really just on you and nobody else. Like this is the first time I have to figure out timetabling by myself, have to get a lab coat and dissecting kit that were never ever mentioned ( a 2nd year told me), have to get a blood test that I had to arrange myself, arrange my first aid course… in high school the teachers were always around to help out, remind you to do the work, and tell you where to go. Everything was arranged. Down here I have to get to the zoo Monday for our first FAHB lab and no one knows how to get there. Public transport but that's not saying much. It’s gonna be challenging and fun! I know Andrea and Felicity from college, and I met people like Edmond, Luan, another Andrea, another Michelle…and I'll just shut up now because there's like over 200 people in my class, not that I know everybody, but they say we'll know each other really well by the end of the year.

Joined the med student's society, and rural med students' society, and the uni's Christian union.

I love college. I love uni. I miss my parents.